Sometimes it’s important to just have a little fun with things.
And to that end, I’ve combed through the first three episodes of Disney’s new witch-centric series, Agatha All Along, to sort of what it may have gotten right about the Craft.
Or maybe to see what it’s gotten wrong. You’ll just have to read on and see!
Actually, you don’t have to read. You can just watch. Because it’s a video.
But I know some of y’all just like reading, so here’s the same information in text format.
WARNING: POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD
1. Nudity
Agatha parading around the neighborhood…
When Agatha first comes back to reality in Episode 1, she storms out of her house without any clothes on and sparks up a conversation with her neighbor.
It’s true, lots of witches are comfortable being naked. A lot of us even regularly practice skyclad.
Ritual nudity can be extremely powerful.
Verdict: Pass
2. Mind Control
It’s all in your head, Agatha.
For hundreds, if not thousands of years, there’s been so much fear surrounding witchcraft. And a lot of that fear — some of the stuff that might have sparked the witch trials — was, in part, based around people thinking that witches have an ability to influence people that is tantamount to mind control. Since the main plot movement in Episode 1 centers on Agatha coming out of her delusional mind control trance where she’s living in some sort of true crime drama, I just thought I’d get it out of the way that we don’t actually have mind control powers.
Although I would really like a coffee right now. If I ask you for a coffee, and you bring me one… is that mind control?
Verdict: Fail
3. Being Goofy
That car won’t get you very far…
A lot of people in witchcraft take themselves too seriously. Actually, just a lot of people, period, do that, but we’re focusing on just the witches today. Magick can often be equal parts reverence and equal parts mirth. One of the best feelings is when everyone in a ritual is doing something so ridiculous that we all over laughing. I can think of no better way to encapsulate that fact than this scene of Agatha trying to drive a fake car where the gas pedal is made out of a cereal box.
Verdict: Pass
4. Covens
Ah, the quest to find a group…
The driving force behind Episode 2 is Agatha’s quest for a coven. Although I’m not a huge fan of the statement given that defines covens as the “truest expression of sisterhood,” it is true that lots of witches seek out a group environment. To be fair, there are plenty of people who prefer to be on their own, but yeah, covens are totally a thing.
Verdict: Pass
5. Flashing Lights During Divination
You can’t tell, but all the lights are flashing…
In this scene, Agatha tracks down one of her first victims prospective coven members — a woman who owns a stereotypical psychic shop with a crystal ball. The first part of the reading was all a show, but when it kicked in for real, all the lights in the place started flashing. I know it’s a TV show that’s full of fun special effects, but just so we’re clear, divination doesn’t ever cause quirky, flashing lights.
Verdict: Fail
6. Holding Hands and Singing
Sing it, witch!
Out of the first three episodes, my favorite part was where everyone sang The Witches’ Road. It’s such a catchy tune!
Tons of our witchy rituals are full of singing and chanting. Sometimes we even hold hands and stand in a circle while doing it!
Verdict: Pass
7. Sigils
This kid tries to say his name, but can’t… because he’s bound…
We’ve got a character who doesn’t have a name. Well, to be more accurate, he has a name… but just can’t say it. Because apparently he’s bound with a “sigil.” In Episode 3, we get this random definition for sigils: “a redaction spell that hides something.”
That’s not even close to what a sigil really is. In reality, sigils are basically just symbols that contain magickal power. They’re usually drawn or created based off of a keyword of phrase like “new job” or “prosperity.”
Verdict: Fail
8. Water Moon Phase
Cool door ornamentation…
Our group’s first stop on The Road is a cozy little beach house. The front door has carvings of the moon. When “teen” sees the symbols, he says “full moon, the water phase!” as if he has just discovered the cure for a deadly disease.
Yeah, so the moon doesn’t have a water phase. I’m not really sure what the intention was here other than to make “teen” look like an idiot.
The moon could be moving through a water sign… like Cancer, Scorpio, or Pisces. And that would have sounded a little more intelligent.
Verdict: Fail
9. Wine
Pour it, witch! But from the non-poison bottle, please.
Lots of witches like wine. And I’m pretty sure there are some who would kill for a glass that refills on its own. Actually, “cakes and wine” is an important part of many rituals where we bless food and drink, consume some of it, and offer a small portion to the gods in gratitude.
Verdict: Pass
10. Book of the Damned
This is a boring picture of one side of a conversation…
In this scene, it was claimed that Agatha traded her own child for “the book of the damned.” Fanciful stories frequently make references to secret books of ultimate magickal power — and Marvel and Disney are no different, as you can see elsewhere with Doctor Strange and WandaVision. These types of books simply do not exist. (or do they, and I’m part of a massive coverup?) A witch probably does keep a personal Book of Shadows, though, but it’s not nearly as nefarious.
Verdict: Fail
11. Green Skin and Warts
What does a witch look like?
Kitty Forman Mrs. Hart kicks off this conversation by asking if “witch is just another word for bad girl.”
I did appreciate this, though, because the dialog that ensues discusses how witches don’t all have green skin, pointy hats, or warts. Everybody should be familiar with how witches have typically been portrayed in movies over the years. But for the most part, we just look like regular people. I mean, I think I look like a regular person, anyway.
Verdict: Pass
12. Glowing Potions
I think you have something in your sink that needs attention…
Where do you brew an antidote to the poison wine you just drank? Obviously in the kitchen sink. As the group adds the ingredients, the water bubbles, glows, smokes, and changes bright colors.
We do brew a lot of strange things… frequently in the kitchen and maybe even in the sink, but… more often than not, it’s about as dramatic as making a cup of tea. And they never glow. Maybe I’m doing it wrong?
Verdict: Fail
13. Numbers
There can be only one… like Highlander…
I picked an aerial shot of the coven so you can count it’s members. There are a total of five women… and one dude. I hate to paint with broad brush strokes and generalizations, but this actually measures up with my personal experience in covens where… well, I’m the only guy.
Verdict: Pass
BONUS ROUND – Rabbits?
Who is this furry friend?
Agatha appears to have a bunny. Come on, Disney! You know every self-respecting witch has a cat. What’s with this rabbit anyway? Oh well, I’m sure we’ll find out more as the season continues.
Verdict: Fail
Final Score
Tie game? Damn. It’s almost like I did that intentionally.
It’s an even split. Seven to seven. The jury is out for now!
I guess all we can do is wait for more episodes and see how things progress.
If you made it all the way down here, congratulations. I would kindly request that you do not take this post too seriously. I mean, maybe you actually have a magickal rabbit familiar… if that’s the case, I didn’t mean to offend you. But please consider owning a cat.
Aerik Arkadian 
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