Just a kid with adult responsibilities…

Adulting sucks most of the time.

End of post.

…

Okay, no, it’s not the end, but it could have been.

When I was a kid, I had this big wooden toy chest. Most people would probably think it was filled with junk — lots of broken toys, missing pieces, etc… but those were my treasures. I used to grab a handful of those things every day and go out into the backyard and play.

In particular, I had a big yellow plastic sword that some distant relative gave to me one year for Christmas. It had three buttons on the hilt that triggered sound effects and lights. When it was new, the entire blade would light up and a speaker would emit sounds of swords clashing, but I quickly wore all of that out from use. The lights didn’t last very long. On a good day, only one of the buttons would still have any effect… and all it was able to muster was a strained squeaking noise. Although I had rendered it mostly silent and dim, I loved that thing. It was my Excalibur.

When I stepped onto the grass, I was a noble warrior fighting off opposing armies — hordes of evil, invading aliens, and everything in between. It sounds intimidating, but I was armed with magickal powers that evened the odds. Some days I could even shoot lightning from the tip of my sword or laser beams from my eyes. I saw these things as clear as day.

One day, when I grabbed my sword and stepped outside, things felt different. I wasn’t sure what changed, but I couldn’t see my foes on the battlefield. I pointed my weapon in front of me, but no lightning shot out.

I had forgotten how to play. I swung Excalibur around idly for a moment, but quickly grew bored of it. It was like watching a blank TV screen. So I went back inside and found something less imaginative to do.

That didn’t make me feel grown up, though. That just made me feel sad.

I think the first time I really felt true independence was the summer of my senior year in high school. I flew to Boston to attend Berklee College of Music’s “guitar sessions.” It was one week of total freedom, far away from home.

The schedule was pretty packed with 12 hours a day of workshops and activities, but that didn’t stop us from exploring the city. The thing is… I didn’t have a cell phone back then. No Google Maps, no GPS… literally just wandering at night in a particular direction, hoping to find something interesting.

That was independence for sure, but did it make me feel like a “grown up?” I don’t know.

What makes one a grown up? You go through life and eventually you start working. You open credit cards. You buy a car. Maybe a house. Banks rate your credit worthiness with a three digit number. Do you feel grown up now?

Nah.

I still like toys. I still like to play.

It’s taken me years of work to find my imagination again. I have pretty strong visualization skills now, but it honestly pales in comparison to what I could achieve when I was a kid.

Some days, I just wish I could step barefoot onto the grass and fight off an opposing army one more time.